Psyche is apologetic

Lately, due to various factors, I have caught myself apologising for everything. Standing in the wrong place, saying the wrong thing, having an opinion...
I've begun starting sentences with 'Sorry'.

You know how someone uncomfortable tries to tuck in on themself and take up less space? My repeated apologies have the same effect. I'm trying to apologise for being in Cupid's way or in his space, and in my low moments, that gets big and intense till I want to apologise for existing.

I caught myself repeating this verbal tic this morning, and suggested to Cupid that it should be stopped. I said maybe we should keep a count, and next time he's in charge, I could get a spanking of equivalent number.

He said he'd been thinking much the same. But not a simple count. [I shouldn't have told him about the Pink-Bottomed Girls' brilliant counting games - it fired his mathematical enthusiasm.]

He suggested doubling the spanks each time, or using Fibonacci number (where you add the previous two, so it goes 1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55...) or maybe triangular numbers (1, 3, 6, 10, 15, 21, 28, 36, 45, 55 ...) or exponentials, or a Turing computer... He obligingly explained how all these work, leaving me reeling slightly. In between his sentences, I would start off, 'Sorry, but how does that work again...?' and then burst out laughing at the thought of having tacked another couple of dozen spanks onto an already excessive number.

This evening, he's out, but I am up to 24 - I kept count carefully in his absence - and I'm dreading our next switching session. The discussion had the benefit, though, that instead of stressing about what's going on in my head to make me apologise, I now just giggle, and shout 'Oh bugger! That's twenty-four!'

This is probably going to be my last post till August, So I'll let you know how this counting game worked out then.

Till then, have fun!

This Morning...

Being Saturday, we were able to laze around in bed together. So we did. Cupid, snuggling up against my back, began grinding against my bum, something he tends to do if given half a chance. So I ground back for a bit, getting him hard. Then I rolled over to face him and started playing with his cock, and teasing his arse to wind him up. I love the way he immediately opens his legs wide if I do this - it's such a slutty move.
Having not fucked him that way for a while, I decided to treat him. Once he was really turned on, I got out a couple of things from out sex-toy drawer. One was our new shiny COLLAR.

(I bought it this week. While I was away over last weekend, Cupid was put on an orgasm ban. While I was away, he made himself come - not once, which would be forgivable, but four times. As a punishment, I told him I was getting a collar and lead for him to wear on our next night out. That was Tuesday, and he looked very pretty and obedient in it).

I told him to put the collar on, and while he struggled with the buckle, I got out my Magic-Wand vibro and lubed it. Then, I ordered him to spread his legs - and then told him what a slutty little sub he was for doing so. I fucked him with the vibrator while he played with his cock. I set the vibro on a what I call 'Motor-bike' setting - it starts slow and gets more and more intense, and then stops, leaving you wanting more, and goes back to the beginning.

He came really quickly, and very intensely, then rolled over for hugs. He looked so beautiful, lying there completely naked with a collar on and his hair all mussed.

I didn't get played with this morning, simply because I didn't ask. I'm not usually a morning girl. Also, half the fun is in the anticipation.

Do not adjust your set. Normal service will resume next month.

Just to let you know...over the weekend Cupid and I are losing our internet connection. Hurrah, rented accommodation. We will be moved into our new places, and back online, early in August if all goes to plan. Till then, I'll just add some highlight from the last week or so.

Last weekend, I got very headspacey, and as often happens, clicked into full Sub mode. This was a bit weird for two reasons.
Firstly, I'm not a hundred percent sure that my desire to sub when I have a confidence-dip is healthy - maybe not quite the Sane required with Safe, Sane and Consensual. I suspect what I really want is affirmation that 'yes, Psyche, you are a bad little girl, I'm going to have to spank you, but I still love you'. When I go subby, I'm demanding recognition of, and punishment for, my own shortcomings, guilts and fears, so I can stop beating myself up over them. This is a bit issuesy to bring into a scene, and I probably should keep a serious eye on my motives for subbing.

The second reason is that it's unfair on Cupid, who likes time to plan and to prepare, just to spring a scene on him that he's not expecting and probably not in the mood for.

So, at the weekend, I went subby and asked for a scene, and Cupid obliged. By the time we went to bed, I had no underwear on, because I'd changed in the evening and thought this was a good way to please him. He spanked me to get us in the mood, - though I can't recall what reason he gave. He also wound me up so I was very very turned on and wanted to be fucked. Then he ordered me to turn face down, and I thought 'This is it.'

He got out the lubricant, which is something we use when my pussy is dry sometimes, but then he started playing with my arse. I am pretty anally-erotic - possibly assisted by my kink for gay men - and this amazed me, because from what he'd always said, Cupid wasn't into the idea of giving anal sex. Also, we've had a chequered history with it, because when we first got together Cupid wasn't keen on the idea of receiving it - a pleasure I introduced him to - and for a long time I was too shy and embarrassed to let him even touch me there.

I got him keen on anal sex using fingers or a vibrator - the rotating head of my Rabbit being a particular favourite - and he'll often use his finger on my arse when I'm face down, making myself come. But I had no idea he was interested in fucking me up the arse.

So, I lay very quiet and still like a good sub, until I was quite sure of his intentions. Then I started making a lot of noise, to make sure he was aware that I approved. He started with one finger, then two, and then his cock. This was a first for me. Obviously, with other boys I'd used condoms, but it was the first time I'd done it unprotected. For me, anal stimulation is right on the pleasure-pain boundary so is much more intense than something purely pleasurable. I think it was less so for him, to be honest. I'm not as practised as I'd like a relaxing the muscles, so it was really too constricting for him to enjoy it.

After a few minutes we switched to the more conventional variety of sex, and when we stopped I had that lovely slightly painful feeling of having been thoroughly fucked. Again, it's on the fine line between pleasure and pain, so I really enjoy it. Lying there after an orgasm feeling slightly broken and bruised gives me a real kick.

Don't know if he wants to do this again - but I really wouldn't argue.

Snapshot

It occurred to me a while ago that I could make erotic use of the 20-sided dice Cupid has lying around. I scribbled down a list for use in a game of chance, trying to balance things I like and things that are fun for him but only in a subby way.

Transcribed from an original stained slightly with tea, henna paste and baby oil:

1: Ice [Self-explanatory]
2: Back scratching [This is a kink of mine I had before I knew what a kink was, and as such it really really gets to me if done to me for a long time. I simply wriggle with pleasure like a cat.]
3: Breast play
4: Spread-eagle [He gets tied down at all four corners of the bed - and then left there while I write my next blog post, mwahaha. ]
5: Forced femming
6: Vibrator [My small purple vibro is a treat for Cupid, because it give him a thrill if I use it on his cock, and also works brilliantly on his G-spot.]
7: Teasing [Making Cupid play with himself for my amusement]
8: Lustrous (I) [This is the game where Cupid doms me, and there are two versions listed because in one he's allowed to carry on, and in the other he gets smacked right back down. And he doesn't know which is which.]
9: Clothespegs on his nipples
10: Breath control
11: Spanking with his own belt
12: All-over massage [Lots of baby-oil - this is really relaxing and gets very erotic]
13: Triangle [Cupid's hands tied behind his back and attached to his feet while he's kneeling, so he can't move. As and when I get him a collar, that might also be tied in, but I'm not very good with knots as a rule.]
14: Spanking
15: Blindfold
16: Lustrous (II)
17: I straddle his face [The version of oral sex which gives me most control, and which he adores]
18: Oral sex
19: Toy position
20: Fucking

That's actually a pretty comprehensive list. Anything not included is either beyond our limits, demands equipment we don't have, or is something we do very rarely.


Speaking of equipment, the other night, we were imagining having a dungeon of our own - much the way other couples plan how to decorate their living-rooms.

Psyche: So, what shall we put in it?
Cupid: Me.
Psyche: No, I mean toys. What toys should we put in it?
Cupid: [in tones of satisfaction] Me

There was Trouble.

Psyche was reading Livejournal when I got the instruction to strip down and tie cords to the feet of my bed.

(Living in rented accomodation means that I've had to be a bit inventive with finding things to be tied to. My bed is on castors and doesn't have much of a head, so I've got four lengths of cord that we knot around them and then around me or Psyche when one of us needs restraining.)

When I'd finished, she had me come over to her and kneel by her feet. It was around this point that I realised I hadn't written for the deadline that Psyche set. Not knowing how to admit this, I kept quiet until she found out.

Normally when she spanks me she's quite gentle, but this time she really cut loose, using her hand and a plastic coathanger. When, as she sometimes does, she stopped and asked me how many strokes I'd had, I had to guess -- I'd started trying to count, but the pain had gotten in the way.

(What's really cruel is when she makes me keep track of the number of strokes to the left and right buttock simeltaneously.)

She turned me over and tied me down, leaving one arm and leg free, while she went downstairs for ice.

Ice is interesting to use; it's fun because it can be left on somebody while the Dom/me does something else. Psyche and I use it fairly infrequently -- I only get it when I've been really bad. Normally, we place it quite carefully on each other, in sensitive areas: chest, navel, breasts, and only very rarely on the genitals -- the stuff is painful enough as it is. I got one piece on my neck, one on my chest, and one in the dip of my stomach, which was enough to really make me whimper quite loud. Unfortunately, my Lady interpreted this as giggling, and thrashed me around some more; the ice got taken off for a while while she bit and pinched me (I'm extremely sensitive to this, especially in the skin near my nipples and thighs) and then

THREW

the cup full of ice back onto me.

I squealed quite a lot at that. Some of the ice had melted by then, so I was lying tied down with freezing water dripping all over my body, down my sides and into the small of my back. I'm quite glad my housemate was away for the weekend -- if she didn't know us better she might have come running in expecting to see me badly injured. I think Psyche even managed to scare herself a little with just how cold I was when she removed the ice.

The other part of the evening was spent punishing me for having looked at porn.

(Since I was about sixteen I've been fairly hooked on internet porn; I've recently decided to give this up, or at least transfer my attention to porn that's of a decent quality. We've agreed that Suicide Girls -- which was what I'd been looking at -- is allowable, and therefore something which can feature in our scenes. Anything else would be serious -- we don't let issues into our scenes.)

Psyche had me kneel and tied me in what she calls the triangle position. It's one which we've only just tried, where I kneel up and she ties my wrists and ankles. If I was on my front this'd be hogtying, but we both think that's an ugly name. She then logged onto the site which I'd been watching and looked through the pictures herself, stopping to comment on them and to play with me from time to time. The tying didn't come through quite right -- it's the first time we've tried tying me in this position and we still need to work out the right way to tie the knots -- so she had me kneel on the bed with my face in the pillow while she looked at the rest of the pictures.

By now we were both getting very excited. Psyche sat on the edge of the bed and made me kneel on the floor and kiss her pussy. Oral sex is something that turns me on fantastically -- it captures everything that the domme/sub relationship is about for me. Next she had me kneel in what we've dubbed the toy position: this is where she lies as if to receive missionary-position sex, but I'm only allowed close enough for her to use my erect penis to tease her clit. One of the things about this position is that my Lady often finds it difficult to hold back from full-on fucking once this has started. This was one of those occasions.