Bad Psyche

I did something VERY silly this morning.

Cupid and I were playing, after a lengthy headspacey discussion, mostly to do with me feeling crap and him trying to reassure me. I got into one of my subby moods - feeling like I really needed some pain and discipline, just to feel normal again. So Cupid - despite not feeling very good, or very dommy - obliged, first with hard biting, then spanking. This felt good for me, and he got my Rabbit vibrator off the bedside table,lubed it, and went to fuck me up the arse with it.

Now, I should have said right then that, because it's got a big bulbous head, I needed warming up and stretching with one finger first. And I didn't. So he pushed it in, and I began to cry and said 'Oh FUCK. That hurts.' Not the safeword, note. An ambiguous signal.

Cupid, quicker than I was, asked 'Too much?' and when I said yes, pulled it out instantly, dropped out of character, and hugged me. I felt dreadful for not saying, and kept apologising (like I do), mostly because I knew he'd feel bad for hurting me, and I felt bad for making him feel bad, when I could have said something.

I don't know why I didn't say anything. Part of me would like to think it was total involvement in the scene, but it wasn't. I suspect it was me being detached and inattentive to my part of the play - me treading on my dance-partner's toes, if you like.

We talked it through, and carried on to very good, thoroughly vanilla, sex.

This incident illustrates very well why I shouldn't sub when my head-space is wonky. It also illustrates how good Cupid is to me, for which I am very grateful.

More - and cheerfuller - news soon.