On Feminism

Is BDSM feminist?

BDSM - especially male-Dom/female-sub BDSM - comes in for a lot of flak from feminists. Women being tied up and spanked? Women being ordered to perform sexual or domestic services for men? Doesn't this takes us right back to pre-Sixties attitudes, with a spice of porn to keep the men amused?

I think you can be a sub and a feminist. Two of the strongest, most confident, and most liberated women I know are subs. From my own experience, the day after I play sub, I go out feeling a huge confidence rush. Maybe it's easier to be confident to the world if you let your guard down in the bedroom?

Feminism is about women's equality, and part of that concept is a freedom to explore your own sexuality. If your sexuality doesn't conform to modern, liberated, female ideals of sex, does this make you a bad feminist?
That's as logical as the old joke, 'When we get freedom for all, you'll do as you're told!'

I have heard it suggested that female subs are expressing hatred for their bodies, and their desire to be punished echoes this internalised self-hatred. The film 'Secretary' - while a very good movie - did little to get rid of this perspective, by making such a clear link between self-harming and being a sub. While there is some overlap between those headspaces, I don't think for a moment that one can be neatly substituted for the other. The film did neither self-harmers, nor submissives, any favours

I can see how negative feelings about oneself could be a factor in some subbing. Lately, due to stresses in other fields of my life, I've felt a need to sub slightly more, to have it confirmed that I'm a bad girl and ought to be punished, and to catharsise various guilts.
But who doesn't feel this from time to time? Who doesn't have feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or self-hatred? It would be lovely for them not to exist, and for no one to experience them, but they are there and have to be dealt with. It's got to be better to deal with them in a safe space of BDSM play, with a Dom there to provide catharsis, and then give you aftercare and reassurance? Better than other, much more destructive ways of expressing self-hatred.

And if you have no such issues, and possess an uncomplicated kink for spanking or obeying orders, then go for it!

The question is reversed when it comes to Domme/boy-sub relations. Surely, a woman who is quite literally cracking the whip, demanding what she wants and getting it, is in the vanguard of liberation?

Good question. Because, if I look at typical Dominatrix outfits subjectively, they reassemble a lot of the women's clothes I really object to. (I'll cover this more in a post on Clothes at some point). The outfit has huge boots, which are practically impossible to walk in, clinging material, leather, metal - in fact it's a fairly pornographic get-up. Do Dommes make themselves into a walking (teetering?) pin-up for their subs?

Maybe if you're a Pro-Domme it's par for the course, but that's not an area I have experience of. With Cupid, I use few props and outfits, but I use them effectively. Also, whatever I use is chosen because it turns me on. There is now a feedback loop, since I know what Cupid likes, and it turns me on to wear something I know will turn him on. In my view, that's not dressing for men, but dressing for me. Besides, it's usually underwear that no one but Cupid ever finds out I'm wearing.

For me, domming is the perfect opportunity to get more of what I want in bed. Before I learned to dom, I was quite happy to be demanding in bed, and make it very clear about what I wanted.
Lately, I've been more aware of the mutuality of BDSM.
On one level, I'm in control and I can get what I want, but on another, it's important to give the Boy what he likes as well.

Having a kink for BDSM can be something you dabble with, or a fundamental part of your sexuality. Either way, the broadest school of feminist thought allows for women's freedom to explore their sexuality. How you play can be feminist or not, but kink is not political.

On Consent

Consent is not optional. Consent is essential.

I hold this for any form of sex, particularly for BDSM. Any sensible Domme is careful about consent. Being in control of someone, physically or emotionally or both, is a huge responsibility.
Conversely, subs enjoy not being in control of the action, but a safety net is vital to keep things in control.
Checking the sub's limits beforehand, slipping out of character to make sure everything is OK, and talking over a scene afterwards to pick up on improvements at once, go a huge way to keeping it safe. But the most important thing is the safeword.

It might seem easy for me, because as a Domme playing with a male sub, it seems there isn't much I can do to him which would go beyond the limits. There is a silly stereotype of masculinity, a perception of men as too 'strong' to need to give consent, of their being 'in control' whatever scene is being played. This is far from the truth.
In fact, I don't believe there is any difference between our play and a same-sex pairing or a male Dom/female sub scene. I work on the principle that anything I would be uncomfortable experiencing is off-limits for me to do to my Boy, unless he says otherwise.

Cupid and I use 'Palestine' as a safeword. One of the things I am proud of is that he's never had to use it in a scene. I've taken him close to the limits, but never too far.
According to the diary, the first time the safeword issue arose had little to do with sex. We were in a club, and Cupid was reluctant to dance to a song I really liked. I took his hand and led him to the dance-floor, with the words 'You're my sub and you'll do what I want.'
Later, we talked this over - it was a night of much conversation, and the first occasion I really started to understand Cupid - and I realised I'd been insensitive. I felt bad for exercising my 'bedroom' powers in public to get something I wanted:

I said that if I was domming him at any point, he had only to say Palestine and I would drop the issue like a hot brick. He said the safeword was for when it hurt, not when he didn’t want to do something. I persisted that when the two overlapped, he must use it. He said it was fine, being dommed into doing things was very nice.

I didn't understand at the time. I was confused by the idea that things he wasn't into could become fun, once he was told to do them. I gave the order that night because I was slightly drunk and wanted my own way, not because I realised at the time that he'd enjoy it.

Since then, I've got much more confident in giving orders and pushing limits. For example, I've recently introduced spanking into our sex life, and he likes it, not because he's specifically into pain - being more fond of psychological control - but because I tell him to take it.
Cupid's attitude demands a bit of second-guessing. I have to work out the space between something he will take if I tell him to, and what is entirely beyond his limits. Knowing him better has made this easier.

More recently, I misread him slightly. We were on a coach with the back seat to ourselves, and the five seats in front were empty. I'd been very cruel in bed that morning and refused to make him come, so I was playing with him under cover of his coat. I was close to making him come, but I when asked him if he wanted me to, he said no, so I left off.
Later, he told me if I had made him come anyway, it wouldn't have been a safeword issue. I'd misread his reactions there, assuming that he didn't like the idea of being made to come in public.
In fact, I think what appeals to him is the illusion of not being in control. This is a recurring theme with Cupid. If I pin him down and tell him I'm going to make him come whether he likes it or not, he really enjoys it. My taking control, and his relinquishing it to me, is a huge thrill for him.

That, however, is not going beyond consent, but playing with the limits of what is allowable. I think that's where BDSM has its appeal - it allows you to explore some darker edges of your self. It's cathartic, it goes close to the limits, but ultimately it's safe. That's precisely why consent is so important, because if you're not playing safely, it stops being play and becomes something else.

Bits of the previous two posts have reduced in size to lines of Morse code.
I have no idea why.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as I work out what's going on.

Psyche
xx

On Words II

This is a scene I wrote in my diary, partly as a fantasy, partly as a model for verbal domming.

'OK, pretty Boy, come here. Down. Good boy. [I stroke his hair, maybe take it down at this point. He goes to hug me] Don’t touch. Not till I say. [I push his hands back to him. More kissing. Then I lean back and look him up and down very frankly] Take your shirt off [he does. I look some more, then pinch his nipple, hard.] Mmm. Very pretty. [I stroke him. Maybe kiss him a bit. Break away] How does it feel to be put exactly where you belong – kneeling at my feet? [he says – something nice. I find some omission – he hasn’t said ‘my Lady’ or similar. I correct him.] Better. So, remind me, who’s in control? [‘You are’ – presumably] Good. Don’t forget that. And who are you here to please? [‘you’ I expect. If the slightest hesitation or wrong answer] You don’t seem very sure. Let me remind you. [slap on the face] Does that make it clearer? Try again – who’s in control? [right answer]
Good. Good boy. [more affectionate kissing, etc. He goes to hug me again.] What did I tell you earlier? Don’t touch. Put your hands behind your back. Look at the floor. [I fool with him, more erotically this time – tease his neck] Does that feel good? [‘Yes’] It’s more than you deserve. Isn’t it? [‘Yes’] Lately, you’ve been getting rather out of hand, haven’t you? Haven’t you? I said, look at the floor. If I had meant ‘look at my crotch’, I would have said so. [I pull his hair to get his head back into position] You’ve been very – troublesome lately. I seem to remember you coming into my room and failing to kneel down. And ‘forgetting’ to follow my instructions on Sunday. And you seem to think it’s up to you to dictate in bed. [Brief stroking] Remind me, who are you here to please? [‘you my Lady’] So, not you, by any chance? [‘no my Lady’] Good. You seem to have got the idea. [Kiss] But I shall still have to punish you. This is what I’m going to do. [I'm tickling the base of his spine here – when he wriggles, I tell him off for fidgetting] I’m going to tie you up, and use you however I want – or if I get bored, I might just leave you there. You’re going to do exactly as I say throughout, and if you’re very good, I might let you come. On the other hand, since you’ve been so bad lately, I shall probably decide to leave you in suspense. Understood?
Get up. Take off your socks but leave your trousers on. I don’t want you to freeze – I may be cruel but I’m not unkind. On the bed. [sitting astride his hips, I tie his arms at the top corners of the bed, then stretch his legs out and tie them to the bottom corners. Then I blindfold him. I get up and take off my pullover – leaving my black bra and black trousers. Sitting on his crotch, I look down at him, and touch him, fool about, whatever seems good to turn him on; also mild tickling.] Keep still. I said, keep still. [I do something to make him make a noise] Hush, you’re too loud. Bad boy. You’re not doing too well with this obedience idea, are you now? [I start biting, or pinching his inner thighs, which will definitely make him squeal]. Will you stop that row? I’m quite happy to go and tell your housemates why you’re making a row, and what you did to deserve it. Do you want me to? [‘No’] Well then, keep the noise down. [More tickling] I said, keep still. Oh, you’re impossible. I give up. You can stay there till you calm down a bit.'

EITHER (Scene 1) 'I’m going to sit and read in the corner. Now, I shall take the blindfold off. But you are to keep looking at the ceiling, do you understand? [I get up, take off a few more clothes] The ceiling, I said! Do you want me to go home and leave you like that? Well then, behave. [I produce my book and sit in the corner reading it] Have you read this? It’s very lesbian. There are beautiful women licking each others’ breasts by about page five. [I let this sink in] Oh, I’ve just got to the bit with the baby oil. Good grief. Are you fidgetting? No? Good. [pause. Then a laugh] God, this is kinky. There are three of them now, all naked and oiled up and pretty. [pause]. Tell me if I’m boring you. [if he wants me to come back to him] I’m having much too much fun. Oh, they’ve started going down on each other. Mmm. [pause. I may just start fondling my own breasts at this point.] Oh, they’ve found a man who was watching them, and they’re trying to decide whether to fuck him or spank him. [pause] They’re going to fuck him. How unimaginative. [I abandon the book and go back to the bed] I hope that didn’t bore you terribly. [I feel his cock.] Ah, apparently not. [I sit on him again]

OR (Scene 2) [I leave the room with no indication of if or when I’m coming back. I count to a hundred or so. Then return, and sit on him again.] ‘I bet you’ve been lying there longing for me to get back, haven’t you? [yes] Good. That’s part of the punishment. So, tell me, what else were you thinking of? [I have no idea of the answer to that one – maybe ‘how bad I’ve been’ ] No, you’re saying that to please me. [or, if ‘oiled up lesbians’ or similar] You don’t learn, do you? Bad boy. [I slap his face] I could guess what you’re thinking now, too, looking at me like this. You’re thinking how you’d like to fuck me, aren’t you? [I speak softly and insinuatingly] you’re thinking how good that would be? ['yes'] But not tonight. You’ve been much too bad. But…[I undo his trousers, which are still on, and tease him]. Are you feeling very ill-treated because I haven’t been touching you? Well, now I’m going to show you how much crueller I can be when I do. Look at you, all thrilled and wound up. [I tease him extensively] I do enjoy doing this to you. You look very very pretty like that. [more teasing] You turn me on when you’re all helpless and thrilled. [I continue along these lines until he is really REALLY turned on.] Actually, I’m going to finish myself off. You can just wait till I feel like doing things for you. [I don’t think I shall make him come]

I didn't, in the end.

On words and names

What's in a name? The setting of a scene, a shift of mood and atmosphere, and the difference between respect and downright cheekiness.
The way I use language for domming is crucial - especially control domming, rather than straightforward pain-play.

Starting with names, I have a list of questions I wrote in my diary, from my early days, which includes a language query:

Can I get him to call me ‘Lady’ or ‘Mistress’ (or ‘Sir’) or something, and thank me for attentions? That would be hardcore for me. Can I catechise him ("Am I beautiful?" "Yes" "What am I?" "You’re beautiful, Psyche.")?

He started by calling me Mistress, but to me 'mistress' had unpleasant overtones - it made me think of a woman wearing red fishnet stockings in the back seat of an MP's car.
I decided 'Lady' was better. Cupid gave this his own spin, once I'd told him how I wanted to be addressed, and called me 'My Lady'. Occasionally, he forgets and addresses me as Mistress. This gets him into big trouble. Who, I demand, is your mistress?

His name, insofar as he has one, is Boy. Usually 'Bad Boy', or to a third party, 'My Boy'. To me, 'Boy' says sweet, post-adolescent but not quite grown up, carrying none of the baggage of adulthood and masculinity.

The use of words is more complicated. Talking dommy was the most difficult part of the process at first, and I used to plan out my words in my diary before playing a scene. I spent a lot of time trying to work out how to give orders without sounding negative. As I was very nervous about this, I worked it out in detail.

All the orders, I think, need to be given firmly, and strongly, but not too loudly, with no Umming and Erring, no excessive use of the word ‘just’, which is a bit femmy and conciliating – ‘just do this’ makes it an implied request. Also very firm clear commands, and no shyness about the vocabulary. But conversely they must be positive, avoiding ‘Don’t’, especially when correcting his technique.

This is drawn from a passage where I planned my first full-length scene. It involved kinky boots, a black pearl necklace, lots of cunnilingus, and not much else. I needed to be very clear with the orders, because for me oral sex does not work if it's hit and miss, I have to direct it very precisely.

A month later, I was working out how to do verbal domming more generally:

Verbal domming, can I do that? How far can I go, is occasional teasing, references to ‘naughty boy’ enough? Can I go into a character and give direct orders? Without any humour or sign of gratitude/pleasure? Can I be verbally abusive and seem serious about it, e.g. name-calling, ‘you slut’ etc? Can I tonguelash if it’s done wrong? What are off-limits as subject for teasing/savagery?

The idea of 'going into a character' plays into a few things Cupid and I are into. I use act in my school days, and can get into character and keep to it if necessary. Cupid plays role-playing games, a branch of the same thing, and has a better grasp of staying in character, and improvised acting, than I ever will. So for both of us, going 'into character' is not an alien concept. I was starting to play role-playing games with Cupid, and had worked out a character of my own to play, but improvisation was still scaring me. Since I'm very reluctant to be loud or bossy, and have never been in any position of authority, the idea of giving direct orders to someone I didn't know that well was frightening. I began to consider adopting a character who could be the other side of myself, and was comfortable with giving orders. I did, in the end, and called her Psyche.

Name-calling I regarded as off-limits for a long time. I only discovered that Cupid liked it last month. In his experiments in domination, he tends to call me names and make me repeat them back.
"You're a filthy little slut. What are you?"
"I'm a filthy little slut, Sir."
I eventually started doing the same thing to him and found that it really excited him. I use variations on his theme - 'bad slut', 'kinky little slut', and when he's good, 'my beautiful slut'. I couldn't explain what magic the word holds for him, but it undoubtedly works.
I couldn't call him anything unequivocally unkind in the context of a scene, or any context. That, I know, would be off-limits. Cupid has had bad experiences with genuinely ill-meant verbal abuse, and I don't have any intention of reopening wounds.

So the words I use are important. From the first order I give, Cupid knows he must respond 'Yes, my Lady'. Instantly, the scene is set. Even if I send him a text signed 'your Lady', he knows we are 'in character'. Talking slutty to him gets us both excited, and giving clear orders gets me exactly what I want from Cupid, and keeps him in order.

I've spun this article out, so in 'On Words II', I'll include a passage from my diary of four months ago, where I wrote a whole scene as dialogue.

On beginnings

Where to start?

There are a hundred starts to any story. One could go back to the way I was disciplined as a child, if you're a Freudian, or the online conversations I had about BDSM with a man I never met.

But I think I shall start with the belt.
I was finding it decidedly awkward to hold Cupid's arms above his head with one hand and tickle him with the other. We had been seeing each other for a matter of weeks, and while the subject of BDSM, and especially his subby nature, had come up, this was the first time I did anything about it.

I was sitting on top of him, a position which comes fairly naturally to us, and holding his wrists together above his head. To my delight, he looked very much like a painting of Saint Sebastian, stripped and tied up, except that he wriggled more.
Holding him down was keeping me busy, so I said 'This is really getting awkward. I think I should tie you to the bed.'

It was a throwaway line, but he was delighted at the idea and my bed at that time had a conveniently barred headboard, like an old dormitory bed. I rose and fetched my belt, as the most logical thing to use. It, like me, looks the last thing you'd associate with BDSM. It's a grey one I found in a sale ages ago, not even leather, but grey cloth.
I sat astride Cupid again, and as I looped the belt inexpertly between his wrists and the bars, I said 'The safeword is Palestine, ok?'

(I got that from "Desperate Housewives", where Bree's attempt to think of a serious safeword produces a solemn look and the suggestion 'How about Palestine?')
It didn't occur to me to ask if the Boy had a safeword he used already. I don't think, though I may be wrong, that he'd used one before, other than saying 'too much!' if it ever was.
I was quite happy to dictate that we were going to be strictly consensual about this. Consent is something I will write on later, at length, and probably with vehemence. Right now, I wanted to be sure that I kept within the boundaries.

Once I had the Boy secured, I was slightly at a loss for what to do next. So I kept tickling him. I really adore the way he wriggles when I do this, and his helpless laughter. I also took the chance of biting him a fair bit. Love-bites are a delightful balance along the pleasure-pain barrier, and I revelled in the opportunity of inflicting a few with no resistance. I managed to scrape my front teeth along his collar-bone and hurt him, which temporarily put me off biting at all. At this point in the learning process, I was deeply unsure of myself and entirely prepared to stop and say it wasn't my thing at the least set-back.

Then I had a bright idea, involving a recurring question of my sex life. I have an oddly-built and highly individual pussy, which only answers to me. No one else can make me come, I have to either do it myself or do without.
So I whispered 'I'm going to make myself come, and you're going to wait for me and watch.'

I think that was the first remotely verbal domming I'd done. I'm quite happy to dictate things in bed, but it never occurred to me to tease before. Also, it got me neatly over the question of whether to do it myself and make the Boy feel awkward, or leave out my orgasm altogether.
He then initiated the habit of sucking my fingers, and I made him come manually. Then he was released from my amateurish attempt at bondage, and the belt was thrown on the floor.

In the hugging-fest which followed, we got talking about the dom-sub dynamic. I was curious and asked him to dom me a bit.
From his point of view, this was tricky, partly because it was new to him and partly because his long hair keeps falling over his face when he's on top. Nevertheless, he held both my hands above my head with one of his, and dommed me very mildly, his face ultra-serious.
I liked the change of dynamic and enjoyed being passive. What I enjoyed about it, I think, was the sudden absence of responsibility. He stopped after a short while and said he found it difficult to dom, because he had to keep reminding himself that I liked it. I noted at the time that for a 'gentlemanly' boy, pretending to force a girl must be more complicated than it is for a girl to dom a boy.

That was the first time I tried domming in any form, and it didn't occur to me that it might ever be a major part of my life. It was simply a slightly new kink to play about with.

I made notes in my diary the next day of where I might take this.

Memo – Things to do to Cupid
Tickling – find the psychological moment to stop, ditto to start again. When he's relaxed and not expecting it..
Tie him up in different places?
Learn to dom verbally.
Make him watch me come. Better still, make him listen. Blindfold him?
He likes sucking my fingers. Take fingers away to tease him. Ditto breasts, mouth.
Straddle his face?
He has long hair I can grab, and push him down to my breasts, pussy, etc.

I was already full of domming ideas, but I didn't start thinking of myself as a dom for some time.

Setting the scene II

And I am Cupid, her Boy and her lover. Unlike my Lady, I don't keep a diary, although this may prove to be a reasonable approximation to one.

Also unlike my Lady, I'd had experience with domination and submission before we met. More accurately, I'd had experience with submission. (Taking control is just one of many things which I've learned to do - or am learning to do - while with her, whenever my Lady feels the need to switch roles for a while.)

I say I've had experience with submission. What I mean is that I've played with being held down, tied down, or bitten. There'd been very little command and very little control. Not that the other stuff isn't fun - it is, it really is - but it's purely physical fun, and there's only so far one can go with the purely physical.

Setting the scene

A writer needs to work with her reader. She needs to keep control and give freedom. She needs to know the limits, to give and gain pleasure in doing what she is good at.

A domme needs to know her sub. She needs to keep control and give freedom. She needs to know his limits, to give and gain pleasure in doing what she is good at.

If you're reading this, we have started a scene.


I am Psyche, and I'm a domme. I am also an aspiring writer, and at the promptings of Cupid, my Boy, I'm combining both skills in the form of this blog.

Practically speaking, there are things you should know. This is intended to be a document based upon fact, drawn from detailed diaries I've kept while learning to dom. I'm going to speak in the present tense throughout, for simplicity. Also, I will fictionalize for the sake of anonymity and to show the links which are obvious in hindsight.
The Boy has the password for this blog and will be posting on here as well.