On Feminism

Is BDSM feminist?

BDSM - especially male-Dom/female-sub BDSM - comes in for a lot of flak from feminists. Women being tied up and spanked? Women being ordered to perform sexual or domestic services for men? Doesn't this takes us right back to pre-Sixties attitudes, with a spice of porn to keep the men amused?

I think you can be a sub and a feminist. Two of the strongest, most confident, and most liberated women I know are subs. From my own experience, the day after I play sub, I go out feeling a huge confidence rush. Maybe it's easier to be confident to the world if you let your guard down in the bedroom?

Feminism is about women's equality, and part of that concept is a freedom to explore your own sexuality. If your sexuality doesn't conform to modern, liberated, female ideals of sex, does this make you a bad feminist?
That's as logical as the old joke, 'When we get freedom for all, you'll do as you're told!'

I have heard it suggested that female subs are expressing hatred for their bodies, and their desire to be punished echoes this internalised self-hatred. The film 'Secretary' - while a very good movie - did little to get rid of this perspective, by making such a clear link between self-harming and being a sub. While there is some overlap between those headspaces, I don't think for a moment that one can be neatly substituted for the other. The film did neither self-harmers, nor submissives, any favours

I can see how negative feelings about oneself could be a factor in some subbing. Lately, due to stresses in other fields of my life, I've felt a need to sub slightly more, to have it confirmed that I'm a bad girl and ought to be punished, and to catharsise various guilts.
But who doesn't feel this from time to time? Who doesn't have feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or self-hatred? It would be lovely for them not to exist, and for no one to experience them, but they are there and have to be dealt with. It's got to be better to deal with them in a safe space of BDSM play, with a Dom there to provide catharsis, and then give you aftercare and reassurance? Better than other, much more destructive ways of expressing self-hatred.

And if you have no such issues, and possess an uncomplicated kink for spanking or obeying orders, then go for it!

The question is reversed when it comes to Domme/boy-sub relations. Surely, a woman who is quite literally cracking the whip, demanding what she wants and getting it, is in the vanguard of liberation?

Good question. Because, if I look at typical Dominatrix outfits subjectively, they reassemble a lot of the women's clothes I really object to. (I'll cover this more in a post on Clothes at some point). The outfit has huge boots, which are practically impossible to walk in, clinging material, leather, metal - in fact it's a fairly pornographic get-up. Do Dommes make themselves into a walking (teetering?) pin-up for their subs?

Maybe if you're a Pro-Domme it's par for the course, but that's not an area I have experience of. With Cupid, I use few props and outfits, but I use them effectively. Also, whatever I use is chosen because it turns me on. There is now a feedback loop, since I know what Cupid likes, and it turns me on to wear something I know will turn him on. In my view, that's not dressing for men, but dressing for me. Besides, it's usually underwear that no one but Cupid ever finds out I'm wearing.

For me, domming is the perfect opportunity to get more of what I want in bed. Before I learned to dom, I was quite happy to be demanding in bed, and make it very clear about what I wanted.
Lately, I've been more aware of the mutuality of BDSM.
On one level, I'm in control and I can get what I want, but on another, it's important to give the Boy what he likes as well.

Having a kink for BDSM can be something you dabble with, or a fundamental part of your sexuality. Either way, the broadest school of feminist thought allows for women's freedom to explore their sexuality. How you play can be feminist or not, but kink is not political.